Cover Letter Level : Dog Tier

I applied for two identical positions open at the same company. The following are my cover letters.

To Whom It May Concern:

I, like many others, need a job. But what’s more is that I want a job. I want a job so bad I have dreams at night where I am employed, earning, and contributing again.

Seven months of unemployment is not my cup of tea. I yearn to learn new skills, to challenge myself, and to grow. I have found opportunities to do so in my time between jobs; Studying Network +, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and building PCs for friends. In spite of this activity, it isn’t what pays the bills.

This is where Your Company comes in.

I can work for the Your Company team, be a strong contributor, and all-around cool guy to be around. In turn, I can earn pay, learn new skills, and be satisfied in being able to help others with their technical issues.

I understand that Desktop Support isn’t the most glamorous job. But I’m not in it for the glitz and sparkles. I’m in it to work. I am the best darn candidate you’ll have in your pile, because I know I am. A former manager once said of me ‘If I had four of Brent, I could take over the world.’

I just need Your Company to give me the opportunity to show you.

Cheers,
Brent

Then I submitted the second application with this cover letter.

To Whom It May Concern:

You probably recognize me from applying for the other posted Desktop Support position, and already think I’m pretty great. But just in case you didn’t read my cover letter, here’s the Cliff’s Notes of what you have to expect of me.

First off, I am like Neo of the blockbuster smash The Matrix. That’s not to say that I know KungFu, because I am a student of TaeKwonDo and Brazilian JiuJitsu, but rather I am highly adaptable, and an apt pupil. I also look dynamite in sunglasses.

Second, I have a strong work ethic. I zero-in on and complete tasks with laser-like focus. I am an action-item obliterating octopus of super hero caliber, multi-tasking at herculean tier quality.

Lastly, I am a pretty cool person. I sometimes quote comedians, and I bathe regularly. I’d like to think of myself as the Tony Stark of south Miami, but I’m not filthy rich, and I’m not nearly as capable of an engineer. I am rather handsome, though.

To wrap this up, I may seem overqualified for this position. I cannot confirm or deny that, but what I can say is that I want this job. I want to earn a paycheck. Most of all, I want the Your Company to have a Neo Tony Stark Hercules Octotasker on their team, because when I see a need, I fill it.

Cheers,
Brent

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Norman Polanski

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Not Funny : Politics, Jobs, and the Unemployed

I can’t wait for this election to be over.

I worked for a Fortune 500 company for 6 years. And after endless cutbacks and layoffs after 2009, my job was finally outsourced. Though I was working as the sole member of my team, created a system for my department that increased my productivity three-fold, and saved the company an estimated quarter million over two and a half years, the obvious solution to our executives was to hire four workers overseas to perform my duties.

Since being laid off, I have been working to broaden my skillset so that I may be more attractive as an employee. I have been unemployed, but have been looking for new work since day one. Now nearly seven months without work, I am looking to becoming a dog walker, or maybe even cleaning houses. Something. Anything.

What does this have to do with the election? Everything.

I am of the opinion that jobs and economic recovery is the most important issue up for discussion for those running for POTUS. It is also my opinion that it is not up to the government to create jobs nor be responsible for recovery. When it comes down to it, it’s up to a board and executives to make decisions about a company, and whether or not they will create work. When the CEO of my former employer explained in an email that ‘These are tough times’ indicating there would be no pay increases and ‘… if we work together as a team, we will all be greatly rewarded’, I thought that our company would succeed, create new jobs, triumph over a sagging market. Instead, that CEO purchased an $8milliion condo. We cut jobs. That CEO’s compensation went from $6.7million to $11.2million annually.

Did the government force her to take that pay increase? Was it the government’s fault that company did not have enough in its coffers to create new projects, jobs, work? In this overly-simplified case, I’d say ‘no’. So why is it that the recovery and job numbers rest on a president’s shoulders?

Political talking points.

Nearly every American can vouch for the importance of getting everyone back to work, and putting our economy back on track by having those workers spending their money on goods and services. So, since it’s a popular issue, folks can bring it along as political ammunition. If, say, the color orange were the most talked about, controversial issue globally, it would then become the POTUS’ job to address the color orange as part of their campaign. Even though it’s not up to the POTUS what happens with orange, because they are/will be the person on duty when orange comes to town they become the executor of the peoples’ desires regarding orange. It’s completely arbitrary.

Now, I wanted to discuss this because there have been some measures put forward during the current administration to create jobs, but have been shot down. Furthermore, it is the opinion of some right-leaning/republican/conservative/anti-liberal/anti-progressive folks that government needs to be small, and should not be creating more government sponsored jobs payed for by taxpayers. The rub manifests therein. Tell the POTUS to create jobs, stimulate the economy, but then tell them that the government should not be spending money to create jobs, and instead insist on providing tax breaks.

Well, as per my example earlier, sometimes people have the means to act, and they simply don’t. I don’t see how giving bigger businesses more money is going to create jobs if that is the attitude of a CEO, board, and executive staff. It appears to be in their best interests to drag their feet about job creation, whine, and wait for the government to budge.

I am hoping that after this election, big business with big interest in candidates will relinquish their stranglehold on job creation. Because, once it is no longer a political talking point to get the current president out of office — either by means of Obama getting a second term, or him being replaced — it becomes time to start moving forward again for those businesses choosing not to re-invest in their country.

Arguing On the Internet : Or, How to Act Like a Child

I remember my first major research paper, having to write it at high school age. I remember reading the paper requirements for a bibliography, and being outraged that I needed to cite five sources. Now, as a young adult, I can appreciate why I was required to cite my sources, and make sure that they were credible. The reason for this appreciation is the dinosauric sized load of bullshit people post/blog/state on the internet, which is arguably the greatest source of information humankind has access to. When someone bows out of an argument without conceding that they need to do more research, or calling names, or even neglecting a challenge to their statements, it completely undermines learning and progress. If you don’t understand what I am discussing, I provided a few quick examples :

A : ‘XYZ is bad for you.’
B : ‘I’m not so sure about that. What are your sources?’
A : ‘One article that supports XYZ.’
B : ‘But that article is funded by XYZ. Do you have others?’
A : ‘WHAT?! What I’m saying is TRUTH! And I’ll stand by my unfounded claims to the bitter end! I refuse to argue with someone over the internet, and want to spend my energy submitting more unfounded claims!’
B : ‘lolwut?’
A : Ragequit.

The above example is quitting while you’re ahead. It’s like seeing a cow before it’s butchered and thinking, ‘Hey. Magic makes beef, that there is a happy cow!’ But if you stuck around for a couple more minutes, you would be sadly mistaken. So, they quit before you can be taught, learn, or research.

A : ‘The political leader is the source of all our problems.’
B : ‘I’m not so sure about that. Some of our current problems are caused by past administrations and political decisions. It’s called ‘history’ in case you’re interested.’
A : ‘You are a stupid hippy. I am going to delete all of your comments because your ignorance is stinking up my forum, retard.’

This is a classic example of a sister flavor of willful ignorance. By calling names, labeling someone, one immediately dismissing their opinion because it is not their own. Also, I’ve found that more often than not, folks who are namecalling in this regard are frequently describing themselves. It’s quite interesting when witnessed in the wild.

The whole point of my writing this is to help encourage you to check, double check and view many sources before regurgitating an opinion online. What’s more is my request that if you find out you’re not in the right, be humble enough to admit that you need to do more research. It’s perfectly fine; that’s called ‘learning’ in case you were interested. Finally, if you argue like this on the internet, and you are an adult, you are officially less inclined to learn about your topic of interest than a high school student.

Vegans Are Dangerous

First off, vegans are preachy. All they do is talk about how much they love tempeh strips. I mean, they put it on everything. Pizza, pancakes, cupcakes, sundaes — you name it! That stuff is so bad for you. And once you say you’re carnist, they’re all like waving cooked veggies in your face and, like, ‘OOoooo. Don’t you just love tempeh?’ It’s freaking disgusting. Another thing they do when you tell them that you’re carnist is they are all like ‘Where do you get your protein?’ Ugh. So annoying.

Second, they know nothing about the food they eat or where it comes from. They just go to organic farmers markets and stuff and just buy anything that doesn’t come in a box. Personally, as a carnist, I only trust things that are made to be in boxes or other prepackaged methods. If it says it was made my Nestle or Nabisco, I know exactly where that came from. Unlike those stupid vegans who don’t even know what kind of soil their beets came out of. Gross!

Third, they’re costing the countries they live in scads of money. I mean, what with all the health problems that result from eating a plant based diet. It’s completely inconsiderate. Did you know that of the top five killers in the US, four of them can be directly traced to a vegan diet?! That is absolutely insane. And all they do is go to emergency rooms with strokes, heart attacks, and cancer. It’s freaking disgusting what they do to themselves.

I just want to wrap up this post by saying I did my research about this, and it’s all true. It’s so true that I don’t even need to post my sources, because if you don’t believe me, you’re dumb.

Vol II, Issue 3

I have a unicorn. It lives in my backyard. I know you want me to post pics, or show research proving the unicorns can exist, but you will have to email me directly for you to get that information. Posting it here in this public place is not where information about unicorns goes. So, if you email me, I’ll be happy to show you my unicorn, prove that exists, and illustrate the love we have for one another.

Also, horses are bad for you.

Vol II, Issue 2

I have a problem with people who use the word ‘nonsensical’. Not really because there’s anything wrong with the word, but EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, KURT, AND EVERYONE HATES YOU!