Stalker Resume

Brent ‘The Ironclad’

Mission: To be the best goshdarn stalker of all time. If not, will learn to bake for stalkees, become Muppet Swedish Chef.


1983-1984 : Womb, Mi Madre. Drop out.
1989-1995 : Podunk Nowhere Elementary, Podunk Nowhere. Completed 3rd grade.
1995-2002 : Hard Knocks, Everywhere. Have challace and hand crafted spoon-shiv.
2002-2006 : University, University City. Majored in German, almost high school teacher, learned to drink.

Work History

Video Game Chain
– Learned how to shrink wrap, delicately and expertly wrap cords, cables.
– Honed people skills, ignoring skills.
– Improved radio DJ voice.
– Gained extensive knowledge in videogames, sci-fi novelry, and anime.

Electronic Store Chain
– Better improved ignoring skills.
– Knowledge in home electronics improved.
– Gained ability to sell ice to an Eskimo.

– Overcame fear of heights, learned to fear lead.
– Improved knowledge of home exterior anatomy.
– Honed ‘cover it up’ business sense.

Button Monkey
– Gained thorough knowledge of delegation, complacency, and passing the buck.
– Can now identify 24 languages based on appearance.
– Optimized smile and nod skills.

Skills and Talents

– Read katakana and hiragana. Limited kanji knowledge.
– Fluent speaker of German.
– Novice of French, Spanish.
– Play drums.

  • Improved dexterity
  • Multi-tasker
  • Rhythm keeper

– Can blow spit bubbles. Like really far.
– Flexible.
– Dedicated. Only stalk one at a time.
– Marginally good vocal impressions.
– Huge movie collection.
– Huge truck. Mostly for helping friends move.
– I can, and do, read books.
– Conflict management specialist.
– Not quick to judge. We’re all horrible people.
– Can be kind when provoked.
– Cunning linguist.
– 3 piercings. It’s a skill.
– Experience dismantling, repairing, and assembling computers.
– Excellent video gamer.

DO NOT respond directly to this post.

DO post a comment

DO send this user an email with a stalkee resume. Headshot encouraged.


One response to “Stalker Resume

  1. LMAO! You’d be way better than my last stalker!!! But you did forgot to include “master time-waster.”

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