The Game of Life

You all may (or may not) be familiar with the classic board game ‘Life’ — also dubbed ‘The Game of Life’ by people with more time than the people who just call it ‘Life.’ Beside the point. In any case, the game itself is solid. There’s money, baby making, and fly stationwagons for you to haul your crew in. Gangster. The problem I am having is how old the game is. I mean, c’mon, it’s played on a BOARD, guys. An effing piece of foldable reinforced cardBOARD. *Pshh* Effing lame. It’s antequated and needs a face lift.

I propose ‘Life: RPG’

Those of you who have never skipped school/work to play a video game, RPG is Role Playing Game without vowels… or the letters l, n, or m. Clever bastards. It is the term that describes a game where you assume a role (avatar) and level them up as you guide them through the epic quests that surround their existence. If you haven’t played one, the table-top ‘Dungeons and Dragons’, or Final Fantasy (console) would be quintessential examples.

Even though you cannot buy this excellent game in stores, I have already started playing the game. My non-biased assessment is a positive one. There is always something to do, the characters are interesting, and the effing game is LONG if you play correctly. It’s better than any board game ever made. Better than any videogame ever made. Better than the PBnJ you made just before signing in to MySpace.

The basic premise of the game is: Don’t effing die. If you die, the game ends. A shitty consequence, but winds up being positive motivation to take care of your character for as long as possible. As the game progresses, though, more tasks and quests are provided your character. And the storyline is very much open ended – Your decisions directly affect the in-game experience. For example, if you slap somebody, they’re going to get pissed, and they might slap you back!


And what about the items, you say? Boy, howdy! Lemme tell you… there seem to be an infinite number of items. Endless. And what’s more is you can equip your body with all sorts of goodies. More spaces for items than I have seen before.


Here’s what I have equipped right now:
Brown Cotton Shirt of Nipple Coverage (+3 Cold Resist)
Red Plastic Bracelet of Osheet (+100 Ridiculous Superstitions)
Blue Plastic Bracelet of Osheet (Cast ‘Gahdamit’ on self if broken)
2x Silver Rings of Pimpin (+50 Bitch Resist [Effect stacks up to 10 times])
Grey Jeans of Nut Breathing (Testicles will not overheat)
White Socks of Justice (Cast ‘Odor of Wu-Tang’ on self if never washed)
Brown Slipon Boots of Urine Protection (+3600 Armor if in bar restroom)

Badass, right? Who knew such effects could be translated into such a rad game? You ever get baller shit like that in ‘Life’? Didn’t think so. And what about the van fulla plastic babies in ‘Life,’ huh? Looks like homie could have used a Latex Condom of Common Sense (99.7% Protection against spell ‘Babiesmomma’).

This is just the beginning. But if you are interested, you should play some time, and level your guy. I will tell you more about the game as I continue to play. I am about to finish a quest that is going to give me +20 to alcohol tolerance.


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