Tag Archives: wtf

Solving the World’s Problems, One at a Time : Vol I Issue 1 | Megan Fox’s Career

My buddy Nick and I brainstorm how to save Megan Fox’s career.
You’re Welcome.

I'm tiny.It seems as though Hollywood has given Megan the finger and told her ‘RTFM OMFG DIAF!!!!1!!one!!!’, so what is going to be the big PR coup that will resurrect her career… or will it take more than that?

Nick's tiny too. WTF IS GOING ON HERE?!

beverly hills chihuahua 2, and subsequent accidental death and ressurection in the span of 3 days.

actually. no. scratch that. you ever see the movie ‘Punchline’? with Tom Hanks and Sally Fields… they pretty much hook up and are the romantic couple for the movie… flash forward, ‘Forrest Gump’ where Sally Fields plays Tom Hanks’ mom… if there were ever a movie to bridge the gap between the two, Megan Fox would have to do it.

Teensie weensie.

Transformers: Zeo Ninja Force Plus Alpha

It’s 30xx and Megaman just got butt-humped by Optimus Integer. 1000101011 (Megan Fox) is sold into slavery by her uncle Owen and her aunt Anakin. Before being transported to the final oasis, Las Atlantis Falconbreath, 1000101011 is suddenly and heroically rescued by the transformer Fumblewasp Hogherpes. Safe at the Transformer HQ, Optimus Integer reveals to 1000101011 that she is the key to the Allvibe – the source of all happiness and wetness on Prince, formerly the planet known as Earth. However, the Decepticons are well awares of her powers and wish to extract it through violent sensual massage (read: tenticles). The HQ is attacked by Decepticons, led by Ultratron, and 1000101011 is punted like a football across the oasis-scape. A pterodactyl swoops in and fetches her out of mid-air and brings her to its nest. 1000101011 wakes among ginormous eggs and panics. The pterodactyl, in a milky Scottish accent, reassures her that everything is going to be just fine, and the Autobots are on the way. She asks how it could know such a thing, and the pterodactyl removes its dermis to reveal it is Sam Witwicky (Shia Lebeauf). Sam Witwickydactyl also reveals that nearly two thousand years ago, he ate one of Mikaela’s ovaries after getting drunk off of Allspark. The result was a tremendous explosion, and the folding of time. Finally, he goes on to explain that he is not only her former lover, but her father, grandfather, and mother. In the final scene of the film, Ultratron farts and 1000101011 disintegrates. The End.


Pink and Blue : The Great Purging

Answer to formspring.me question:

Do you know why traditionally pink is for girls and blue is for boys?

I know everything. So, duh. Of course I know why.

The Great Purging Begins

The Great Purging Begins

It all began some 10,000 years ago. There was an event later dubbed as The Great Purging. In said event, it was the ultimate battle of the sexes. Such was the emotional and intellectual evolution of the human specie at that time, each brought little to the table in terms of what we would call ‘progressive thought’. This was mostly grounded in how humans considered only the necessities, activities appealing to the brain stem, or ‘the reptilian brain’. That said, humans often resorted to brutal violence in the face of adversity. Even stubbing ones toe on a stone led to a tribe-wide bloodbath steeped in frustration and angst alive.

The Great Purging came about as an after effect from a clash among young leaders of two different tribes. One was male, the other female. Both were apt in their abilities of foraging, hunting, and being generally badass. Since sexual urges did not truly form until later in human development, the two leaders saw no attraction in one another. Their roles as leaders further blackened their friendship — they were both leaders, commanders. During a training exercise led by chieftains of their respective tribes, the two were to clash in mortal combat, further improving their physical prowess and defense against the great unknown. When signaled, the war game began. The two tumbled and contorted. Screams and grunts of power emitted from both. There were witnesses who wet themselves in awe of the mastery both held. And they remained quiet as the game went on; rousing a conflict between tribes in competition was not allowed. Such acts sullied the meaning of the exercise.

Deadlocked. Hands around each others shoulders and throats. Their feet were stone slabs pressing into the earth, their toes were talons. Then suddenly, the deadlock turned into a tumble. The two fell onto their sides, and the force produced between them brought their faces to a point of collision. Their lips touched. Immediately, they drew back from one another. This had not happened in such an exercise, and for something so uncouth to occur in a brawl, the crowd and chieftains stood startled, mirroring the surprise in the young combatants.

They were on their feet as soon as they were on the ground. Anger blazed in the two pair of eyes. Simultaneously, they declared that the opposite had touched lips with them in order to poison them. The crowd gasped. The chieftains were dumb. The two continued their argument in grunts and spasms expressing their discontent. They looked to their respective chieftains for an answer. They wanted blood.

It became a question of which gender had poisoned the other. Each tribe sought out and slaughtered the mass of the opposite gender in their now rival tribes. Supporters of the female chieftain-in-training wore shirts with the faded blood of the many males slain as trophies and gruesome banners to the opposition.

The males came together with the young male chieftain-in-training. They recognized that the women were far too crafty to take head-to-head. Their numbers were thinning. So, they took to the ground at night, hiding in trees during the day. Their many nights of crawling on their bellies mixed with the mud, dead grasses, and fruits of the colon led to their clothing appearing much darker than normal. In the moonlight, the attacking groups of men appeared a menacing blue in the moonlight.

This fighting brought other tribes to segregate. Men ran from their fellow women in the daylight. Their intent was to never meet again.

Both sides had to reach a conclusion after their numbers dwindled deadly thin from the ages of war and conflict. Reproduction was a necessary evil that was dedicated to outcasts of male and female tribes, and such became scarce. The now-chieftain children met for conversation regarding an end to the bloodshed. They agreed that the survival of the specie lay in their resolution. Furthermore, they agreed that no conflict was necessary since no chieftain had been poisoned by their lips touching that fateful day.

The chieftains called a meeting of the two great tribes. At this great gathering, the two shook hands, and before their respective tribes, they met lips. The single act was affirmation of trust and recognition that we are a united specie struggling for survival. The masses rejoiced, peace restored.

So, women wear pink because they are bloodthirsty killers, men wear blue to pay respect to their gender ancestors crawling the earth.

I’m probably totally off, but it’s what a unicorn told me once. A trustworthy unicorn.