You don’t know me. But I know you like kittens.

You could stalk me, sure.

I have plenty of information scattered all over the interwebz, and if you really wanted to know something, you could find it, I’m sure.

But with all the information, I find solace in anonymity. I find that what I really am is not contained in the words on a blog, a micro-blog, a tattoo your mother refuses to show you. I am a many tailed beast with talons. Huge effing talons. Ones that Zeus would look at and be all like, ‘DAIIIIIIIIIM BOYEEEEE! Those are some bitchin talons!’ Zeus is down for talons like that. Little known fact.

I digress. I think that people flip the eff out when they finally realize what it is to be on the internet. That is, as soon as you set foot in the abyss, you begin to leave fluorescent footprints.

You then have two choices:

Panic like everyone else, and give in to the media fear monster.


You could ruck up, censor yourself a bit, and use your effing head.

Some people take another route. They simply remain ignorant to the implications of their internet presence, and hurt themselves and others in the process.

As a for instance, take little Jimoan. Jimoan just got a Twitter account, got out of college and is about to go searching for a job! Everyone is stoked for Jimoan as the world is wide open; full of opportunities for folks like Jimoan! Ohemgee! Jimoan doesn’t understand the mighty power of Twitter and begins to post really silly things.

‘I’m on the couch. lol’

‘I’m eating toast. rofl’

‘I’m looking at cat pictures. omfgroflmaortfmbbqirl’

Then Jimoan gets sassy and begins posting very personal things.

‘I’m on the couch counting all the money I just took from an old lady on her Rascal. I punched her in the eye. lol’

‘I’m eating toast after smoking the fattest bowl of marijuana in the history of history. rofl420 I also sell to minors.’

And who could forget the classic

‘I’m looking at cat pictures while scheming chatrooms for underage girls and doing lines of coke off a panda’s shorn ass. ‘\.=. roflmoar15getsyou20!’

Jimoan had a successful interview with Company Sarc. They enjoyed how Jimoan was really down with new things, and how they didn’t wear tennis shoes to the interview. Jimoan was a shoe in for management and was already up for a promotion even though Jimoan didn’t even have the job yet! That’s really something, Jimoan!

But what Jimoan didn’t know is that Company Sarc also looked at applicants and their online presence. Company Sarc was disappointed when they saw Jimoan’s profile pic on Facebook was of them holding a gun to a puppy. The puppy didn’t even have a collar! Company Sarc was also disappointed in Jimoan’s latest tweet ‘I am going to face fuck the shit out of this company I just interviewed for. Hello embezzlement, goodbye selling Meth to elementary school kids!’ They were also sad to see that their MySpace profile sported a video of a sneezing panda. For shame, Jimoan. For shame, indeed.

Jimoan didn’t get called back by Company Sarc. Instead, Jimoan turned to huffing ozone, got Ebola, and began eating brains — effectively beginning the zombie apocalypse.

So, before you go and update your Twitter with how much you are going to drink at work today, think about the pending zombie apocalypse.

Trust me, you don’t want to be that person, highALLday420wEdsmOkR69


One response to “You don’t know me. But I know you like kittens.

  1. PrincessOfForks

    Uh…….how do I UNtweet something? I’m asking for a friend.

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